The confident leader. The sensitive communicator. The mysterious quiet one. What’s your type? Who are you drawn to and has it always been this way? This question drums up all sorts of thoughts for me as I think back on my life. As many of us (ok, me) approach fifty years old (eek!), there are a lot of relationships to look back on (almost embarrassingly.) Who are you drawn to and why is that?

I think if someone forced me to describe my type, I would say I pursue the confident leader, but it’s often the sensitive communicator who captures my heart in the end. Maybe it’s a father figure thing showing itself in that I grew up with a dad who is strong willed and without a doubt, the leader of our family (although my mom sure isn’t a shrinking violet.) So while I think I need and want what is familiar, I end up understanding how much I love the one who maybe isn’t the alpha all the time. But certainly the one who has undeniable wisdom and too many friends to count because of his humble, selfless ways. So it’s really a toss up between the two, but to be sure, the mysterious quiet one has gotten very little of my attention. Until recently.

I’ve been doing a lot of relationship building these past months, and I’ve fallen in love. I’ve fallen completely in love with someone who has always been close to me, but has never demanded that I pay attention to Him.

The Spirit.

Never before in my faith life have I seriously thought about my relationship with the Holy Spirit. Like truly considered it. I’ve always been so drawn to God. You know, God the Father. The One who is powerful and paternal and in charge and makes me feel safe. It’s always been Him for me. Without a doubt I love Jesus for what He did for us so selflessly and humbly. But God the Father – He’s been my guy. Now the Spirit on the other hand, I’ve never really grasped the spot He fills in my heart. Maybe it’s because I didn’t even realize when He was talking.

Galatians 5: 22-23 “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

I’ve learned something lately that I just had to share. For me, gaining understanding of my relationship with the Spirit has completely changed my daily life. I’ve spent so much time striving, performing, perfecting in order to demonstrate the qualities of a Christian in the above verse and darn, if I don’t always fall short in my mind. I’ve been working so hard to produce peace, joy, love, and all the things in my life, and it wasn’t until now that I really feel I understand.

We don’t achieve these things.

I’ll say it again and in another way. This is not a checklist of things I should be to be a good Christian.

It’s different than that. Instead, these are the things we see emerge in our lives as we live more and more in sync with the One who lives in our hearts. This is the language the Spirit speaks.

But what does that even mean? How do we live in sync with the Spirit? How do we grow in relationship with the One who we often forget about and definitely can’t always grasp in our human thinking?

I have to give credit to the social media girl, Madeline Grace, who clarified this idea for me. When I don’t see peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control, in me, in my life, this is not a time to scold myself for missing the mark. Again, this isn’t a checklist for me to achieve. Instead, it is proof of an area where I need the Spirit to speak into, to pour His love into. It is an opportunity in that very moment to take that thing, that place where fruit isn’t growing, and instead of striving to correct it on my own, turn to the Spirit. The Spirit who lives in me and in you and is always there, always ready, always hoping we’ll choose to turn to Him. It’s the Spirit who can take my free choice to turn to Him in that moment when I’m not seeing this fruit and do His thing. Work His mysterious ways. Pour all His love and power into that part of my thoughts, my actions, my personality, my life that doesn’t look like all the good fruit. And just watch Him work. All He needs is the go-ahead. And a little time and patience. Wow, what a paradigm shift. It’s not my job to just be joyful, just be peaceful, just be kind, just be any of those things. It is my job to turn to the Spirit when I’m not.

Now that I understand how the Spirit talks, when something in me doesn’t sound like the Spirit (peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control), I can so easily know it’s not of God. He doesn’t speak failure or fear or unworthiness or jealousy or judgement or shame or anything gross like that. His voice speaks peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Anything that doesn’t sound like that isn’t Him, but most definitely needs more of Him. So in those moments when I feel afraid of what might happen, I know that fear isn’t from God. But it is an area I can ask the Spirit to pour into to bring me peace. In those moments when I feel unworthy or less than, I know that feeling isn’t from God. It’s a lie where I need more of the Spirit’s attention to remind me of God’s unconditional love. In those times when I’m discontent and feeling cheated, I know that’s not of the Spirit but sure could use His attention to bring me joy that isn’t tied to people or circumstance. And in all those moments when I hand it to the Spirit, I can trust He’s working in that place. Changing my heart and mind. Watering and nourishing my soul. I may not feel it, but I can trust it. And slowly but surely, like time in a garden, His fruit emerges in that place.

What a gift. And man, do I love the Spirit for it. He took from me the pressure of somehow achieving all the things, and instead gave me a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, and assurance He’s tending to it, changing me from the inside out. In the most mysterious and quiet way.

Give that quiet mysterious type a shot. It will be a relationship like no other.